BODY DYSMORPHIA: On The Outside Looking In

 As a child I looked into the mirror but never saw anything; as an adult I look into the mirror and see everything. I think my obsession started when I was in high school. 

I was bullied over everything from my ashen skin to my really charcoal locks. I looked like a china doll and I really never appreciated how beautiful I was back then and still am today. Digression aside, my obsession with vanity came to a head when I fell for a boy who attended a different school. I met him through a friend and we had been talking A LOT. I was in “love” or so I thought. Whenever, I posted a photo wearing makeup he would gawk and say how pretty I was but if I posted a regular photo it was ignored and frankly did not receive as many likes which also made my insecurity grow. The more makeup I piled on, the more love I ended up attaining.

It was a toxic cycle. 

For six months this had continued up until one night; I had washed my face, and to my horror my creamy skin was gone. A red rash with bumps and inflamed skin had replaced it. I cried, what had I done to myself?. It was then that I realized that I was done with this madness, years of belittling, guilt and frustration flowed out of me as I wept curled up on the bathroom floor. 

From the next day onward, I tossed out the make-up, deleted social media and started doing yoga and taking better care of my skin. 

My takeaway from my struggles with body dysmorphia is that you do not really know yourself until you have seen the ugly and most beautiful parts.

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