I constantly am grieving each day.
No, not because someone passed away, which is what so many people think grief is. I grieve daily because I’ve lost myself.
I’ve lost myself due to my mental illness.
At a point in my life, I really had no clue who I was. I just went with the motions hoping that I would find something. Or honestly, even feel something at this point.
I was eventually starting to give up. Figuring that this is how I am supposed to be. This is the life I have to live.
I was just trying to learn how to live like this..
One day, after having a suicide plan all in place and ready to act on it, something had clicked with me.
Something was telling me. Stop. Just stop. You’re grieving. You don’t want to do this. At first I had said to myself, umm yeah I do. Why am I even having second thoughts here?? I’m not living like this..
For some reason, not sure why, I got this fire in my ass that was not letting me give up on myself.
Things needed to change. No clue how or where I was going to start.
I needed to start somewhere right??
I couldn’t stand the grief anymore. I started with some changes with relationships. Not that that was necessarily easily, but it needed to be done. I still at times feel the grief over this because I miss the happier times with these relationships.
I’m not looking back.
I really need to work on me. I’ve really let myself go and stopped caring about myself.
I’ve been trying to keep everyone else happy and live my life through others, when I should’ve been living life through myself this whole time.
I’m doing little self care things for myself to remind myself that I am valuable and important.
I’m surrounding myself with those who care about me and are positive supports for me.
I’m working on my physical and mental health at the same time. I’m in therapy, I’m exercising and I’ve switched up my diet.
I’m expressing myself and my feelings.
I’m starting to feel free. That I’m not hiding behind a lie anymore.
I’ve been lying my way through life the last 4-5 years. Actually, more like 7 years to be completely honest with you.
To summarize. Yes, the grief is still there. It’s not as strong because I’m working on me. To be a better me. To be happy.
There is still hope. I’m seeing this. Please know that there’s still hope for you too. Dig deep and find it. Mine was first just a little tiny strand. That’s all it needs to be.
*all blog posts written for the #wemattertooproject are shared as anonymous
*if you are interested in writing for us please contact email@example.com